I love that....

Yesterday a gentlemen who was at one of my tables coughed "Aha aha ah". Just like that.And I had to say "goddamn!" under my breath. They all thought I said "god bless" or something. That little jive was just between me and old DJ Kool.

HOLY SH*T!!

Um, I think I need to take a Vicodin and cuddle with my blankie after reading this story. In Switzerland, you can hire this dude who goes by Dominic DeVille for your child's (!) birthday party. 7 days before their birthday, they get threatening texts and calls about how they're going to be attacked on the 7th day. When its their Birthday, he chases them down with a pie and if they dodge it, they get a cake. If not... they die.

No, they still get a cake. Everyone's a winner in Dominic's satanic book! And apparently he's EXTREMELY popular there. And he says its all fun and games, and the kids just LOVE it:

"The clown will never break into a residence or show up at work. It’s all in fun and if, at any point, the kids get scared or their parents are concerned, we stop right there. But most kids absolutely love being scared senseless."


Hey Sarah, I know what I'm getting you for your birthday!!

I wouldn't condone this...

...if it wasn't Sarah Palin. Listen, I don't care if you're a Democrat or Republican, or a liberal or conservative version of those parties, or anything at all. If you're passionate and EDUCATED about the topics and WELL MEANING (most importantly), then go for it! Make signs and march your little heart out! But if you're sole purpose is to kick up dirt and rabble rouse just for the sake of commotion, noise and media coverage, and not for the common good and/or bettering yourself and your country then get the F out of my face.

And I'm not trying to say this reflects on all Tea Party-ers. A lot of these people are very good, educated people who are just horrified at how much the Government takes in taxes and how its getting more and more involved in their lives. Understandable, gotcha. I just hate how she's latched herself on to these groups because she sees that its a great opportunity to make money (I don't even want to know how much money she gets for speaking) and say "down home" (read: FAKE) phrases to the "back bone of America!" (read: people who pay me to speak).

I. just. hate. this. woman.

Most of America would give their eye teeth to get a whack at Palin!

I'm going to be honest, I went looking for the worst of those Tea Party signs, and there were awesomely misspelled ones and some really racist ones, but this one actually made me laugh. Good thing all of us liberals are a bunch of crazy gays, we LOOOOOVE tea bagging! *High Five*

But seriously.... Sarah Palin, her hand notes, hair and makeup team and a group of pied piper-ed crazies are on my home turf today in Massachusetts on Boston Common. Can I Western Union some cash to that homeless dude that was always outside of Filene's Basement to go up and donkey punch Ms. Palin? What do you say Crazy Ted? Two Abey Lincolns can be more persuasive than me....




End note: WHEN WILL THIS WOMAN GO AWAY. Where's a tornado thrown house from Kansas when you need it? Preferably Joe the Plumber's house.

Can I PLEASE audition for these?

Sometimes, before I go to bed I like to thank The Big Guy for all the wonderful things I have in my life. Family, friends, not having a lisp, puppies, people to make fun of, all the good stuff. When I saw my very first Slomin's Shield commercial, I yelled "HALLELUJAH!". Truly bad commercials like this only come along once and awhile. Thank the lord for the Ad executive that conjured this shit up. The first one is amazing. Awful (-lly good?) acting and really cheap production value. And the couples!! I always like to think about how some commercials would play out in real life. Like the Chase Sapphire Rewards Points commercial (see here) Um, if my spouse was like "hey honey, you know all those points we racked up while we were getting ourselves in massive amounts of debt? I BOUGHT A DRESS WITH THEM! Teehee!" I'd be like "Yeah.... WHAT? You are so selfish, I mean what an awful thing to do! I hate you! That dress makes you look fat! I don't even KNOW you anymore!! Ugh.... BITCH!"

Thats what I would like to see happen with the second couple. 'You KNOW I don't like leaving the kids and the babsitter alone!". Yes, and thats why we haven't gone out in TEN YEARS AND I'M GOING TO BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN IF I DON'T SEE NON-WORK RELATED PEOPLE YOU PARANOID FREAK! What's the point of a babysitter if you don't LEAVE THEM ALONE WITH THE KIDS! I'm having an affair you cold, crazy NUTBAG! I can't deal with this anymore! Ten years of my life down the drain for a BAT SHIT HERMIT!!.... or something like that.


But the BEST is this gem. Bitch is HOSTILE! And he comes from the Acting School of Emoting through your hands (and hair! so fabulous). Thank God Slomin's Shield is there to make it alright.

No Friggin Way Ked!

Gather up your Sullys, your Dannys, your Tinas and your Kathleens, because the Jersey Shore casting department put out a casting notice for a Boston version called (wait for it.....) MassHoles.


They all better be from Revere Beach, or I'm not watching. And if they don't have one girl with constantly gelled curls and a claddagh tattoo, no go. It just wouldn't be right.


"NOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"


Ahem. Just had to get that out of my system.

Thanks Arrison!

I LOVE THIS. Funny, thats what happens to me when someone scratches my back, too! Is my cat humor creeping anyone out yet? No? GOOD. Because there's a lot more where that came from.

WHAT THE WHAT

Thanks Bri-no-no! Check this shit out, and fast forward to 1:10. Daaaaammmmn boy! Whitney don't even sound like that anymore! Stupid Crack ho.

P.S. Love the mushroom cut!

The scary part is, my hair is exactly the same....

So, I was at home a couple weeks ago and me and the Mom-sicle were going through old photos. Some cute, some horrifying ("Aw, remember that toy barn? You guys loved that barn!" "Yeah, except when Matt locked me in it for 5 hours while he was babysitting." "Oh, well... I don't remember that... oh look!...")

But we stumble on this little gem.



I was throwin' 'tude ever since Elementary School yo!I wonder what was running through my head....

"Why the F did Mom poof my bangs this much?!"

"This photographer is a dick. Who gives out free plastic combs? Cheap ass."

"YOU'RE MAKING ME MISS RECESS. I HATE YOU."


When we saw it my Mom was like "Yeah, we never framed that one. You look like that fire-starter girl in that Stephen King movie." I crack up when I think of my Mom waiting for the school photos to arrive a month later, excitedly opening up the package and seeing four different sizes of this picture. Who wouldn't want to carry that around in their wallet?

Bahahaha... Love this.

Ohhhh Jennifer Lopez, try not to piss off your sound technician when you're recording, or else shit like this will happen. You know Barbara is sitting somewhere in a caftan shaking her fist at the sky!

Hipster Kitty

Actually, after Gawker's poll I should say Fauxhemian Kitty (although I personally voted for "Doucheoisie"). The sites hipsterkitty.com and hipsterpuppy.com have been making the rounds lately, and rightfully so. They're freakin hilarious (and soooo true maaan). They pose adorable puppies and kittens in hipster garb, but the best parts are the captions. My personal favorite - Keith Richards Kitty.

It got a few good reviews... trust.

Sometimes, when you really need a boost, do you wish that you could get those movie reviews that have those teeeeeny tiny publication names that Michael Bay usual has?

"AN AMAZING THEATRICAL EVENT!" - the richmond county gazette

"IT MADE ME CRY AND THINK!" - the Juno AA newsletter

"DO WE HEAR OSCAH NOMINATION?!"- Dorchester Newspapah


Anyways.... don't you wish that sometimes you could get unimportant reviews like that?

"GREAT ASS!"- homeless dude down the street

"Youaarrreshoooopretty.NOsheeeriously, so pretty, and SMAAAART. Shit, where's the bathroom?" - Your drunk friend from Freshman year of college.

"You look less fat!" - mom.



Sigh.