And you thought you were fat

Click here, and be prepared to laugh. Now I love me some fat animals, but this thing might have a Thyroid problem. It can't even see the ball! Someday Merfy, you'll be able to see your paws.

Special thanks to Old Man Dan for finding this gem.

I HATE BAD EYEBROWS.

Another well known fact about me is that bad eyebrows make me go into Epileptic fits. Well, Lourdes Leon is apparently 14 years old, and the daughter of a Bajillionaire Pop Superstar. WHY HASN'T ANYONE TAMED THOSE BEASTS? That poor girl is so pretty, but my eye starts twitching and my hands reach for my tweezer and bleach when I see this picture.



I know some of you are going to be like "That's so mean! She's just a kid!" Well I think its mean for a Mom to see her daughter like that and not usher her to nearest waxing place as soon as she hits 13, like my Mom did. You have to get that ish under control! And her Mom (MADONNA) knows more than anyone what bad eyebrows look like:



Madonna, do your motherly job! You can even make it fun for her. You're so rich that you could hire the Jonas Brothers to sing to her as Taylor Lautner waxes the eyebrows with molten gold and vampire glitter! What 14 year old wouldn't want that?

Happy Monday from A-Rod!

I've heard from numerous people that Gawker.com is basically a gossip mill for Manhattan that makes for good reading if you're up on your Page Six info, which most of the time I'm not. Whenever I read Page Six most of the names they mention are along the lines of "Peaches Geldof's restauranteur boy toy Winnebago Maximillian" or "Sarah Jessica Parker's Dietician/cat walker Aimeee Vanderschmidt-Bankhead", and they're donating money to the Kabbalah Centre or getting "mushroom cleansed" at some spa. Anyway, I have a very surface level knowledge of celebrities (John Mayer! Kim Kardashian! Soleil Moon-Frye!), so I didn't think I was going to get much out of the site. But its actually pretty funny! Lots of news based articles ("news" used loosely) mixed in with celebrity sightings (try out the Gawker Stalker), trends, and of course gossip.

One the best articles I found was "Six Things to do if you Hate New York Besides Anthrax Mailings". All of them very true, and I will share anything that perpetuates the story that A-Rod has a life size painting of him as a centaur in his apartment. It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling, one that I know helps start the week off right.

GET YOUR PAWS OFF MY MAN ABDUL!!

Ok, this is a case of pure jealousy. I was having a wonderful Sunday morning, nursing my hangover and browsing trashy gossip sites, when what doth mine eyes see? PAULA ABDUL talking about my tap dancing hunk in the sky, Gene Kelly:

"I cultivated a real relationship with him the last 2 years of his life. It was the coolest thing. I would have tea with him- sometimes once a week, sometimes twice a week."

AW HELL NAW. Ok Paula, I know you consider yourself a pretty good dancer, especially with one MC Skat Cat. But if you think this:



Compares to this:



... well, I think you've had one Valium too many ma'am. Why couldn't I have had tea with Gene? I know I was ten when he died, but I think I could have kept up with him, and told him Xanadu was a bad idea. Sigh.

One of these things is not like the other....

Which one do you think? I'll give you a guess.

"Hi! I'm Abbie Cornish! Look how pretty and fresh faced I am!"

"Hi! I'm Carey Mulligan! I'm up for an Oscar for my role in 'An Education'! I am cute and clean!"

"uhhh Hi? Yeah... I'm... *bites lip*, Kristen Stewart, huh yeah. Did they say we had to shower for this thing? Bummer. I kind of smell. Whatever. My movies are cool, or not, whatever. Did I change my underwear today....?"

The rest - "We're young and healthy looking and showered and talented! Yay!!"

Anna Kendrick (far right) - "I was in Twilight too! Remember me? Bella personality-of-a-sedated-turtle Swan's best friend? I'm nominated for an Oscar now! SUCK ON THAT Kristen Dopey-Mcslouchalot! HA!"

Seriously, if you have the Vanity Fair Hollywood issue, this picture isn't even the worst. The picture they have inside the magazine, she literally looks like that girl in high school who always had a slight B.O. problem and was high all the time. I want to sneak up behind her and jam a syringe of smack into her veins just so she can look slightly awake and coherent. You're in one of the most successful movie franchises of all time, despite the fact that your "acting" technique is looking away and biting your lip, with some hand wringing and pulling of the sleeves, when you're really on your A-game. ACT LIKE YOU'RE SEMI HAPPY/GRATEFUL ABOUT HOW LUCKY YOU ARE. I mean, Robert Pattinson is:



...I think? Or is that his confused face? At least his hair looks happy.

She will haunt your Performance Fleece dreams....

I don't know about anyone else, but I am equal parts enraged and scared whenever those stupid Old Navy "Modelquins" commercials come on. They're basically Creepy mannequin puppets who have death stares and tell you to buy Cardigans. I mean seriously, who's running Old Navy's advertising department? Geppetto?

See Mom, if she can wear eye shadow at 13 so can I!

So, this is definitely a "what the what?". 13 year old Alexa Gonzalez here was just chillin' in homeroom in Forest Hills, NY, and felt the need to declare to the whole Junior High that her girls were TIGHT! She scrawled "I love my friends Abby and Faith. Lex was here 2/1/10 :)" in marker on her desk. First of all, amateur mistake girl, never leave your name! And do that ish in erasable pen, so you can edit it, just in case Abby gets braces and isn't cool or Faith steals your cafeteria boyfriend. Bitch.

All of a sudden, Alexa finds herself cuffed and heading over to the local precinct across the street! DAMN!

"They put the handcuffs on me, and I couldn't believe it," Alexa recalled. "I didn't want them to see me being handcuffed, thinking I'm a bad person."

Don't worry Alexa, you just got yourself instant middle school street cred. Someone's getting asked to the Fall Fling by the mildly intimidating cool kid that sits in the back row of every class! He'll probably wear a top hat too. He's that cool.

Apparently Alexa didn't get charged with anything, but what the what? If she got handcuffed for writing on a desk most of my friends should be in Maximum Security for antics in the bathroom (I'll leave that to your imagination) and passing obscene notes about teachers. Kids these days have it hard.

You can read the whole ridiculous article over at CNN.com

I Love this Bitch.

Say hello to Sadie, the Scottish Terrier who won the Westminster Dog Show yesterday. As most of my friends know, I love anything animal (that sounds dirty), and I took one look at her bearded face and fell in love. She's giving me attitude in this picture, or as Tyra (and anyone in the musical theatre community) says: "being FIERCE!". Work that title Sadie, you're now the head bitch in charge.

What the What? - Olympics!

Ok, before I start sounding like a miserable old hag who hates everything, I should say that I am in love with the Olympics. In love! Every four years, I get to see Bob Costas and his magnificent hair plugs sit in a comfy chair and make inappropriate/snarky comments about the best athletes in the world. I mean look at that guy. He's almost saying "Yeah, I could give a crap about curling too. Let's go get a drink. *wink*"



I also get to witness AMAZINGLY bad figure skating outfits. No reader, your eyes do not deceive you. Those are spandex figure skatin' overalls! Yeeeehaw! Samuel Contesti from Italy thought these would be Olympic worthy, and I can't say he's wrong. If he can't dazzle the judges with his technical skill, he'll blow them away with his plaid. Well played, sir. Well played.

I'll be commenting whenever the Olympics throws me something lovely, or hateful, or what the what, which should be often. Viva Vancouver!

Another thing I hate....

AVRIL LAVIGNE. My hatred for her has burned since high school. Sk8er Boi makes me want to punch random people on the street, maybe even a puppy or two. I hate her that much. And these ads for T-Mobile. YOU'RE 26 YEARS OLD! I checked. What the WHAT are you doing wearing bows in your hair! And fix your posture, you're making my back hurt. And who made your bracelet, a kindergartner? I have to stop, I might have a rage stroke.

Oh herro.

So, my first post. I think I'll set the tone of this blog by sharing with you one of the worst (and most entertaining) songs of all time, and the namesake for this blog, Christmas Shoes. I hate it, yet I love it at the same time. Like why is this kid in an Oliver get up? And why does his Mother look like she just woke up from 1776? Nice hat.